It's no mystery that the idea of starting a family has been a major thought on my mind, but I fear that nature has finally made a decision for me. After years of dealing with "female issues", my doctor finally told me that he strongly suspects that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. "What does that mean for children?" I asked him. "You're going to have a hard time getting pregnant." He answered. Great, I thought. As if things aren't hard enough, now I have to deal with this. My husband and I just moved into an adorable two bedroom apartment that would be great for our little family. When my mother saw the place, she immediately loved it and even refered to the second bedroom as the "baby's room". It felt absolutely incredible to hear her say that, after all the issues that we've had in the past--after that horrible period of time when she showed no interest in being a mother because of her tumultuous life situation at the time.Well, that person seems to have existed lifetimes ago. Then of course there's my husband. He would love to have a child and now I feel as though I might have taken that chance away from him. We could never afford fertility treatments, so what now?

I can't help but wonder if God has chosen a life without children for me because I would end up being a horrible mother. That's been a tremendous fear for me all along because of my battle with depression and anxiety. I didn't want to end up like my mother, feeling completely trapped, hating my life and feeling like there was something else out there, something more than motherhood and marriage. Can I ever bring myself to accept this? How will I feel in ten, twenty years? Will I feel like a complete failure as a woman? I knew from a young age that I loved babies and children and that the only thing I really wanted out of life was to be a mother myself. I remember playing with my dolls for hours and hours on end, feeding them, changing them and rocking them to sleep. Starting at the age of thirteen I sat for many of the neighbor's kids, including the mayor of my town; and my first real job was at a daycare center. When my mother had happily remarried and had four more children, I helped take care of them, taking a major role in each of their little lives. The greatest love I felt was for her youngest children, my beautiful twin brothers who are now nine years old. With my mother on strict bed rest for much of her pregnancy, I stepped up and took care of them all until my stepfather got home from work at night. And once those babies were born healthy, I felt a huge sense of relief and accomplishment--I had gotten them there! As hard as it was to take on such a responsibility at only 22 years old, I did it. And I quickly realized that those babies absolutely lit up my life!

The future is unknown right now. I have no idea how any of this will play out and I have to admit that I'm kind of terrified. This choice was supposed to be mine and now it isn't. If I get through this, I think I know what I want to do now...

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