I've been wondering for some time now, about the bond between a parent and child and vice versa. When does that crutial bond form--inside the womb or from the initial touch after birth? What happens if it doesn't form at all? Do even the toughest people hold a soft spot for their child? And can a lost child find their way home, where ever that may be?

Maybe part of the reason why I have such a hard time deciding if I want to have children is because of these very questions that I have raised, and because I question the bond that I have with my own parents. My mother and I had our issues throughout the years--issues that no parent and child should ever have to endure but we've come out stronger than ever. She was a teen mother and I often wondered if that impacted the way she loved me. As a child she was just Mommy, I loved her and she loved me; no questions asked. But as I grew older and more aware of our situation I feared that maybe being so young, she was incapable of forming a strong bond to me and my fears were confirmed when she gave up custody of me to my father when I was thirteen years old. Well, to make an incredibly long story short, there were far deeper issues and giving up custody was something that she didn't want to do, but knew that it was necessary. And as I get older I realize that I can still think like I did when I was little. She's Mommy--I love her and she loves me, no questions asked.

Having said that, my mother is not my concern. I'm forever battling with my two fathers. One man is my biological father and one man raised me. It's kind of bizarre to me...I struggle to get the father that raised me to talk to me, and my biological father accused me of not being interested in him and not talking to him enough. There must be something to this and it can't be just coincidental. Maybe the German proverb, "blood is thicker than water", doesn't really hold up as well as previously thought. The bonds of family are not always stronger than the bonds between people who are not related. It's a tricky thing I guess. With one father it's, "he was there before but he's not here now" and with the other it's, he wasn't there before but he's here now". Even after all this time my head still can't wrap around it.

I guess I just didn't have the time to bond with my biological father the way that I was supposed to, or the way we were supposed to. He was out of my life before I had the chance to know who he was. In any event, I'm not speaking to either of them and I struggle to find my place in each of their lives and they definitely struggle to find a place in mine.

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